In Regards to Twilight
Die. You've significantly impacted my life in the worst possible ways. First, my ex-girlfriend becomes obsessed with you and we couldn't go a day without her talking about you. Because of various reasons (listed below) that I hate Twilight, we began to argue. For the last year of our relationship (we were together for six), every day was not complete without us arguing about you. I blame you for our breakup... you suck.
Secondly, because of you, I can't get my book even looked at by literary agents. They told me that unless I change the name of my main character from Jacob Black to something else, not a single person in the industry would even consider touching it. I've had Jacob Black as my main character since I was eleven years old... Since 1999. So he's like my child, and now he can't exist because of you... again, you suck.
Third, you are written terribly. I can't count how many run-on sentences I've found among your pages. Run-ons, grammer mistakes, punctuation errors, and just plain crappy, junior-high writing. I'm appalled that a piece of fiction of your crappy quality could even make it onto bookshelves. And what's with the whole "vampire and mortal fall in love" thing? It's been done.... like, in every vampire story every written. You are not original. Your characters are bland and boring. At least you gave Jacob a personality. For that, I thank you, but because his name is Jacob, I hate you. You speak no eloquence to me, your dialogue sucks, and you are poorly written. Your vampires play baseball, they are boring, they do not hold true to any vampire lore, they have no fangs, they are vegetarians (basically), and they sparkle. They sparkle... you should be ashamed. Thrice I say unto you... you suck.
Fourthly, you are trying feebily to take over the most major part of my life. If anyone else compares you to the Great and Wonderful Harry Potter, I will find a copy of you and burn it, I swear to God. You are a superficial and shallow excuse for fiction, and in no way compare to the glorious and expansive world that J.K. Rowling has created. In regards to your trying to make your way into influencing fashion... I promise you, my solemn vow, I swear upon my immortal soul, the blood in my heart, and upon all that I love... if you are successful in this endeavor, the blood of my victims will be on your hands. The Battle of Armageddon will be on your conscience because I will be certain to do everything within my power to stop this from happening. Stay out of my life! For a fourth time, I speak... you suck.
In conclusion, not-so-dearest Twilight, I will ask politely of you: go away! If you do not heed my warnings, on your unnecissarily thick spine, ill-conceived covers, and intellectually blank pages be the knowledge that you have caused the destruction of this world. Thank you for your time, and for the last time...
Yours most sincerely,